I Didn’t Even Know I Was Scared… Until I Was Supposed to Be Happy
In this article Why I Was Afraid to Be Happy — And How I Finally Allowed Myself to Feel It i will talk about what i meant by afraid of being happy.
Okay.
Let me just say it out loud — I didn’t know I was scared of being happy. Not until happiness actually showed up. And I looked it in the face… and wanted to run.
Like, we spend years chasing this thing — happiness, peace, whatever you wanna call it. We work hard, tick all the boxes, fix ourselves over and over… thinking this will be the moment where it finally feels okay inside.
But then — it happens.
Something good finally shows up.
And instead of breathing it in, you flinch. You pull back. You start expecting something to go wrong.
I used to do that all the time. Still do sometimes, honestly.
Turns out, I wasn’t really chasing happiness.
I was just… scared of letting it stay.
The Dread Behind Every Good Thing
Have you ever laughed with someone and suddenly felt like crying?
Or had a peaceful moment and your brain whispered, “Enjoy it now… it won’t last”?
That’s what foreboding joy feels like.
Brené Brown talks about it. It’s like joy shows up and instead of welcoming it, we brace for pain.
Because we’re trained like that.
We’re taught, maybe silently, that if life feels too good — it probably means something bad is about to happen.
So better not get too comfortable, right?
God, I did that for years.
When Everything Was Finally Going Well… I Panicked
I still remember the moment I got the job I had always dreamed about.
Remote, creative, paid well — all the things I used to cry about not having.
And I got it.
And guess what I did?
I didn’t celebrate. I spiraled.
“What if they made a mistake?”
“What if I mess this up?”
“What if I actually liked being miserable because it was familiar?”
No one tells you this:
Sometimes when good things happen… you feel worse inside.
Not because they’re bad.
But because you don’t know what to do with them.
Pain feels familiar.
Joy feels risky.
And that terrified me.
It Started Way Back — When I Was a Kid
The more I sat with it, the more I realized… this wasn’t new.
It started way earlier. Childhood stuff. Subtle, quiet messages.
Like:
- “Don’t get your hopes up.”
- “Be humble.”
- “Don’t be too happy or proud, it’ll backfire.”
- Or worse… “Things are going too well. Something’s bound to go wrong.”
You hear stuff like that enough times and boom — it sticks.
Your brain starts seeing joy as a warning sign. A red flag.
My home wasn’t bad, but emotions were confusing. One moment everyone’s laughing at dinner. Next moment, silence.
So I learned to stay on alert.
Even during the good times.
The Science Behind Why We Do This
Psychologists call it cherophobia — the fear of happiness.
(Yes, it’s a real thing.)
It’s not some diagnosis. It’s just a way of thinking that says:
“If I let myself be too happy, I’ll get hurt.”
Dr. Paul Gilbert, who started compassion-focused therapy, says our brains are literally built to protect us — not make us feel good.
That means we’re wired to look for danger, even in safe moments.
Joy makes us vulnerable.
And if you’ve been hurt, betrayed, or abandoned before… then yeah. Joy feels dangerous.
So we stop letting ourselves feel it.
Not because we’re cold or ungrateful.
But because our brains think they’re keeping us safe.
What Helped Me Start Letting It In — Little By Little
I didn’t wake up one day magically okay with happiness.
Honestly, I didn’t even want happiness at one point. I just wanted the fear to stop.
So here’s what I did. Or tried to do. Still trying.
1. I Started Letting Small Good Moments Be Enough
Like, I’d drink tea in the sun and instead of overthinking or checking my phone, I’d just say:
“This feels good. I don’t have to do anything else. Just be here.”
Simple. But huge.
Because I used to ruin small joys by turning them into performance:
“I should post this.”
“I should journal about this.”
“I should earn this moment.”
Now? I just sit in it. And let it be enough.
2. I Talked Back to That Fear Voice
Whenever I started spiraling — like “this is too good, something bad’s gonna happen” — I’d literally say out loud:
“Okay, but what if it doesn’t? What if this is just… good?”
Sometimes I’d laugh at myself for saying it. But it helped.
Because fear doesn’t go away.
You just stop letting it lead.
3. I Stopped Earning Joy
This was hard.
I tied my worth to being productive. Being “useful.” Fixing others. Hustling.
So when I wasn’t doing those things, I felt guilty for being happy.
Now I remind myself:
“You don’t have to prove your pain to deserve peace.”
4. I Let Myself Feel Good Without Apologizing
That means laughing too loud. Smiling for no reason. Not explaining myself when I’m having a good day.
Because joy doesn’t need justification.
It just needs space.
Real People. Real Moments. Real Fears.
This fear of joy? I’ve seen it in so many people.
A Friend Who Froze When She Finally Won
She got into her dream school after three failed attempts.
But instead of crying or celebrating… she froze.
She told me:
“I feel like if I celebrate, it’ll all disappear.”
She wasn’t scared of failure.
She was scared of hope.
A Girl Who Dated a Nice Guy — Then Ran
One message I got after a blog post stuck with me.
She said:
“Every time I date someone who treats me well, I sabotage it. Because deep down, I think it’s fake. Or temporary. Or I’ll ruin it.”
That’s what trauma does.
It convinces you that love is a trap.
So when something kind shows up, you run.
Not because you don’t want it.
But because you do. And that makes it scarier.
A Client Who Hated Her Own Success
She built a business from scratch. Started thriving.
And she spiraled.
“Success feels heavier than failure,” she said.
“Now there’s more to lose.”
So we worked on letting success be safe. Not something to fear. Not something to shrink from.
And over time, she learned that joy doesn’t come with a deadline.
What Actually Happens When You Let Yourself Feel Joy?
You don’t become invincible.
Life doesn’t suddenly go smooth.
But you stop bracing.
You stop ruining moments before they’ve even begun.
You breathe easier.
You laugh more.
And the fear? It still whispers. But it’s quieter now.
Because you’ve seen the truth:
Joy isn’t a trick.
It’s not a setup.
It’s just… real. And you get to have it.
So… If You’ve Been Waiting for the Crash Too
If you’ve ever:
- Ruined your own good day
- Felt weird when life got easy
- Told yourself not to get “too happy”
Then please hear this — you’re not weird. Or broken.
You’ve just been protecting yourself for too long.
But maybe now… you don’t have to.
Maybe now, you can say:
“I’m allowed to feel this. Even if it’s brief. Even if I’m scared.”
Because here’s the thing:
Happiness doesn’t need to be permanent to be real.
It just needs a moment. A breath. A pause where you let it land.
You don’t need to brace.
You don’t need to shrink.
You don’t need to wait for the fall.
Just feel it.
Right here. Right now.
That’s enough.
FAQs
1. Is it really possible to be scared of happiness? That sounds weird.
Yeah, it sounds weird at first… but it’s real. A lot of us are more comfortable with struggle than joy because pain feels familiar. Happiness can feel unpredictable — like something that could be taken away at any second. So sometimes, without even realizing it, we push it away before it can “hurt us.” It’s not weird. It’s protective.
2. Why would someone sabotage good things in their life?
Because good things come with risk. If you’ve ever been hurt after opening up, or disappointed after getting your hopes up, your brain learns that “safe” means never getting too happy. Sabotage isn’t about being ungrateful — it’s about fear. Fear of loss. Fear of being let down again.
3. What if I’ve never truly felt happy — does that mean something’s wrong with me?
Nope. It usually just means life hasn’t felt safe enough for joy. You might have spent years in survival mode — always hustling, fixing, overthinking. In that space, happiness isn’t a priority. Safety is. And if no one ever taught you how to feel joy without guilt or fear… how could you know?
4. I feel guilty when I’m happy. Like I don’t deserve it. Is that normal?
Completely. Especially if you grew up in a home where love felt conditional or joy was treated like a luxury. You might have learned that being happy means you’re selfish, or that others have it worse, so you shouldn’t celebrate. But here’s the truth: your happiness doesn’t hurt anyone. You’re allowed to feel good — even if the world isn’t perfect.
5. How do I know if I’m afraid of being happy? What signs should I look for?
Some signs:
- You downplay your wins
- You feel anxious when things are going well
- You expect something bad to happen right after something good
- You struggle to relax or feel joy without guilt
- You’ve sabotaged relationships, jobs, or moments that were going well
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. It’s more common than we think.
6. What’s the difference between being cautious and being scared of happiness?
Caution is being mindful — taking your time, observing, preparing.
Fear of happiness is when joy itself feels unsafe — like something you shouldn’t even touch. If you find yourself shrinking when good things happen, or avoiding anything that might feel too nice “just in case,” that’s more about fear than caution.
7. I feel happy one minute and panic the next — why does that happen?
Because your nervous system isn’t used to joy yet. When something feels too good, your brain might trigger a fear response — like, “This isn’t safe, what if it ends?”
It’s not you being dramatic. It’s your body remembering old pain and trying to protect you from future disappointment.
8. Can trauma really cause fear of joy?
Absolutely. When you’ve experienced unpredictable pain — especially in relationships or childhood — your brain learns that good things are followed by bad things. It starts to associate happiness with danger. That’s why trauma healing often includes relearning how to feel joy without fear.
9. How do I stop ruining good things in my life?
First — be gentle with yourself. You’re not doing it on purpose.
Start by:
- Noticing the sabotage thoughts when they show up
- Talking back to them kindly (“I’m allowed to enjoy this”)
- Letting small joys in, one moment at a time
Healing happens gradually. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to keep showing up.
10. Is it selfish to feel joy when others are suffering?
No. That’s a big myth.
Joy doesn’t take away from anyone else’s pain — in fact, it often fuels your ability to support others more meaningfully.
You can hold space for suffering and still let yourself smile, breathe, and feel good things. The world needs more joy, not less.
11. Can therapy help with fear of happiness?
Definitely. Therapists can help you explore where that fear started — and teach you how to feel safe with positive emotions again.
Approaches like Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or trauma-informed therapy are especially helpful for people who fear vulnerability and joy.
12. Will this fear ever fully go away?
It might, or it might soften over time. The goal isn’t to never feel fear — it’s to not let it run the show anymore.
You’ll probably always have moments of “What if this doesn’t last?”
But the difference is — you’ll learn how to stay anyway.
To feel joy even if it’s messy. Even if it’s not forever.
13. I want to be happy… but I don’t feel safe. What should I do?
Start where you are.
You don’t have to dive headfirst into joy. Just start with one safe moment. One peaceful breath. One laugh you don’t overthink.
Let your nervous system slowly learn that good doesn’t mean danger.
And remind yourself: You’re not in the past anymore. You’re allowed to feel safe now.
14. How do I explain this to someone who doesn’t get it?
It can be hard. Most people think, “Why wouldn’t you want to be happy?”
Try saying:
“Sometimes happiness feels scary because I’m not used to it. It feels unfamiliar. Like something I could lose at any moment. I’m learning to trust it — but it takes time.”
Most people will understand once you put it like that.
15. What’s one small thing I can do today to let joy in?
Right now?
Notice one thing around you that feels a little nice — the breeze, your favorite song, warm tea, a soft pillow — and just let yourself enjoy it for 10 seconds.
No overthinking. No guilt. Just feel it.
And remind yourself — this tiny moment is allowed.
And so are you.
🎥 Why I Chose This Video:
If there’s one talk that shook me to my core, it’s this one — Brené Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability.”
She breaks down something so many of us feel but never have the words for: that strange, shaky fear that shows up right when life is going well. She calls it foreboding joy — that inner voice that says, “Don’t get too happy, something bad is coming.”
And honestly? That’s exactly what I’ve lived for years.
In the talk, Brené explains how our fear of vulnerability is what blocks joy. That when we armor up to protect ourselves from pain, we also shut out the good stuff.
She reminds us that joy isn’t a reward we earn — it’s a feeling we’re allowed to feel, even when life is messy, even when it’s uncertain.
This isn’t some motivational fluff. It’s honest, raw, research-backed truth that makes you feel seen. If you’ve ever held your breath when things felt “too good,” please watch this.
